Whole

Perhaps its because he is still so new to this world and fresh from my body that I can't imagine him growing up one day and being apart from me. The thought of my little baby being independent brings me to tears. Doesn't the universe know that he and I are meant to be connected...that the cord was only physical and our connection still pulses strong in my veins?

This little boy came to life inside of me and I think I'm only now fully realizing how incredible it all really was and is. Yesterday, his little stubby, tan fingers pressed firmly but lovingly into my chest while he was eating. The look in his eyes made it clear that I am still an extension of his body as he is mine. I placed my hand over his and wished there were a way to squeeze him into myself because the love felt too much.

Will I ever be whole without him?

Does this feeling last forever?

Or is it something that gradually eases with each stage in life to make growing up and apart hurt less?
Because I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

<3

7 months

Today is actually Ezra's 8th month here with us, but I don't want to let another month go by without an update.

Ez turned 7 months in June- on the day we left California so it was already an exciting start to the month. He was a dreamy traveling partner that didn't have a care in the world. He loved sunny California and all the beautiful, sunny people we love in it. He went from person to person and place to place with a smile and big wide eyes. I can't get enough of this kid- he is my everything.

Weight: 14ish?
Height: 27 inches
Clothes: 3-6 month

Likes:
-The color red
-Peas
-Long walks and lots of trees
-Other little kids
- Playing in his office
-Splashing in the pool/tub

Dislikes:
-Sleeping alone (but really- who doesn't?)
- Mama leaving the room
-Hunger (he's got hangry down!)
-Watermelon

Memorable moments:
-Rolling over from his back to his belly
-Eating more fruits and veggies
-California
-Father's Day (you are awesome Mikey)
-Mom Mom's 80th Birthday
-4th of July vacation in the Poconos (first swim in a lake)

Enjoying our last day in California 

A very happy father's day <3

Cruz men on Father's Day 

Celebrating Father's Day with my Dad!

Happy 80th Birthday Mom Mom!

Learning to stand with Uncle Nick

4th of July - Poconos

Gorgeous 7 month little man <3 

Playing Catch Up

I fell behind on my monthly updates and felt overwhelmed about how to jump back in- hence the silence all these months. My Dad encouraged me to just start again from where we are now so that is what I'm doing; trying to ignore the awkward pause between posts.

Life has been sweet and busy and wonderful. Ezra is just about 7 months old and literally blossoming into his own person. I understand the old lyrics, "I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow" (thanks Greaseband ;)) so well now.

In the last few months he has become aware of his surroundings and can identify his favorite people and things. Seeing his overwhelming joy in the morning when he realizes he's alive and laying in my arms is enough motivation to take on the world.

It is always a good morning <3

He somehow already knows that his Dad is hilarious and laughs at everything he does.  He has us trained not to miss bedtime or a meal- the only times he ever fusses is if we are late on either one. And if we happen to be unable to meet his immediate needs- Curious George will do the trick. He gets happy the moment the opening theme song starts.

He spends Mondays exploring the world, listening to music and (I'm hoping) talking to trees with my Dad. Tuesdays and Wednesdays he travels the city in his stroller, swings on the swing set and has learned to love "Patty Cake" (or as I just learned is actually "Pat a cake"- duh!)) with GG (my Gram). Thursdays and Fridays he squirms with excitement to see his Abuela y Abuelo and spends the days laughing at his silly Grandpa and cuddling with his Grandmom while practicing his Espanol. This kid is loved and spoiled and so am I. Outside of his amazing weekly schedule, he gets plenty of time with his Zsa Zsa (learning about animals), his cousins and aunts and uncles, his MomMom and Papi and his BFF Naomi.

This kid just completes me- he really is my heart. Besides telling him how gorgeous he is I try to speak life into him every day by telling him his best qualities. We lock eyes and I tell him things like "you are brave, you are kind, you are hardworking, you are loving, you are smart..." and he soaks it up and smiles with each new word. I also tell him that he is my best friend and he has to stay that way for my whole life ;).

And I'll wrap up with a few pictures to bring us up to date :)

First time in the ocean- Mothers Day 

Family beach trip- Avalon 

4 month check up- 24inches long, 11pounds 13oz

6 month check up: 24 1/2 inches long, 13 pounds 9oz 

Clari and Ez- finally starting to notice each other 

Charlie and Ez- Valley Forge Park 

Started solids at 6 months- he LOVES his fruits and veggies: sweet potato, banana, avocado, peas and apple!

A crazy happy Mothers Day

Cute kids- BFF Naomi 

Cousins! Ashie, AJ and Addi

Meeting cousin Charlie- born on Easter :)

nursery

Ezra's room is our favorite room in the house.
Around a year ago a roof leak ripped this room apart and it stayed that way for months while we waited for insurance money and contractors. When we found out Ezra was on the way, we brought in an electrician to add outlets- and he discovered knob and tube wiring throughout the room and the house- major fire hazard and major bummer. All I wanted to do was decorate this room- it was something I dreamt about since we first toured the house 3+ years ago. We struggled to get financing for the electrical work but with just two months to spare we worked with the greatest electricians ever to re-wire the entire house and make Ezra's room safe. With just a few weeks before our due date we were finally able to rip up carpet (and a million staples), refinish the floor, paint, build the crib and changing table and start to decorate. Since Ezra came 3 weeks early we weren't able to finish the room until now! It was a huge labor of love- and we are so proud and happy to gift this special room to our boy. I am already dreaming of reading in our cozy chair and playing with toys on the awesome floor. <3

The view coming up the stairs 

The E is decoupaged with maps of all the special places in our lives
Kilim rug (Pottery Barn)- super discount thanks to Mike

Lovely banners made by my dear friends for my baby shower
Gorgeous crib thanks to GG <3 

We scored this armoire a few years ago at the Habitat Restore
We moved it from our bedroom, painted to match the crib and
replaced the fabric inserts with chalkboards

My favorite reading corner- loved this Ikea hack I found on Pinterest
The shelves are actually spice racks!

Ikea bookshelf turned changing table- super functional since it can grow into a dresser with Ez

Me and my buddy 

Much of the artwork created by my friend Chris
E artwork by my creative sister in law Alyssa
Gorgeous dream catcher a sweet gift from my friend Tammy

A reminder of where we started 

2 Months!

Height:22 inches   Weight: 9.1    Head Circumference: 39

-Starting to smile
-Stares into your soul with gorgeous huge blue/grey eyes
-Still in newborn clothing
-Has RSV (very mild but no fun)
-Introducing cloth diapers
-Holds head up
-Hates tummy time, hiccups and sleeping alone
-First laugh for GG and Mike

-Loves a warm bath, milk, milk and milk

Ezra - 1 month!

Height: 20 inches
Weight: 7 pounds 4 ounces

-Finally gaining weight
-Staying awake longer during the day
-Wide awake all night :)
-Rocking the newborn clothing
-First outing was typical Cruz behavior- thrift store :)
-Celebrated Christmas and New Years

Birth Story- Part 2

This was it- I was justified. No false labor, in fact this was active labor- what I had been preparing for for months. I was ready, calm and safe. There were kind, smiling women at every turn and I felt complete peace. As I entered my labor room- it felt like it belonged to me...like I was coming home. Lights were dim, the air was cool and there were no hospital smells or sounds like I had feared. The bed wasn't the focal point- there was a couch, a rocking chair, a birthing ball, a jacuzzi tub and perhaps what stood out most- the baby bassinet ready to welcome a new life. It was surreal- a reminder of what all the classes, reading, preparing was for.

Marie my nurse welcomed with like an old friend. It didn't feel like our first time meeting- it didn't feel like I was in a room that belonged to someone else. This was our room. She just so happened to specialize in natural, un-medicated birth and only made mention of my hopes for such a birth once- "natural right? We can do this. I'll help you every step of the way."

It was never a question,never an outlandish request or silly naive dream - it was just the way it was going to be (unless intervention was medically necessary). I wasn't expecting this from a hospital where birth is primarily seen as medical event rather than a natural process. So from the start, I felt empowered. Marie showed us pressure points to alleviate pain, a labor dance to help move with contractions and how to use the birthing ball to help progress labor. She told me funny stories about her kids and husband and gave me the freedom to do whatever naturally needed to be done. I was entrusted with my own experience- I was allowed to experience my own power.

Thankfully soon after arriving our amazing doula Jamie arrived which was a miracle since we realized as I was contracting in the shower hours earlier that we didn't even have her phone number (since we still had yet to meet for our final consult and still had weeks before our due date). She joined us with ease and grace- her spirit was calming and encouraging. She knew my hopes, dreams and fears and strengths and was there to navigate us through it all.

As contractions got stronger so did I.
They were uncomfortable but not impossible- because I wasn't afraid of them. The best advice I held onto was to ride each wave...to let my body relax into the discomfort because it wasn't pain in the normal sense - it was progress.

As contractions got stronger so did I.

They were uncomfortable but not impossible- because I wasn't afraid of them. The best advice I held onto was to ride each wave...to let my body relax into the discomfort because it wasn't pain in the normal sense - it was progress. it is amazing what you can put your mind to. 

I stayed away from the bed and allowed gravity to move us along. Each wave would rise and I would look into Mike's eyes and it surprised me how much strength I found there in his resolve, his unwavering gaze; the pride reflecting back at me. It is something I've never experienced in my life- to literally pull strength from someone else. He and Jamie reminded me to use deep breathing and to push my feet into the ground for strength. 

I felt no fear in this phase of labor- just peace and progress. There was very little talking, no hospital sounds or lights. Conversation was saved for moments I wasn't contracting *except for the empowering words from my amazing team.

*I have to take a moment and say how glad I am that I worked hard and gifted myself with a doula- it was the best investment I could have made. The team we built - rallied around, taking on my struggle, anticipating my needs, purposefully facing my fears and building me up in the most important moment of my life was priceless. 

I continued on my feet and on the ball throughout the night and in the early morning when contractions were stronger I climbed into the labor tub. The lights off--only the glow of the lights in the tub creating a dreamy blue haze- I focused on the feeling of the water surging against my feet. It was incredibly relaxing, Not long after, it was time to be monitored and I begrudgingly left the tub and laid on the bed. After being checked the midwife found that I was 9cm and ready to go- only my water was holding back the baby. She encouraged me to break the water and this is when fear kicked in- I hadn't studied this yet- I wasn't sure if it was safe or what the next phase would be like. We all talked about it and I decided to go for it. 

The contractions came in full force now- they felt different, and the intensity scared me. I was no longer managing waves- my body was in control and I was along for the ride now. Pushing was the hardest part- it felt so wrong and yet natural. Mentally, I wasn't ready for labor to be over...for me to be a mother. Releasing this last bit of control was hardest- I looked around the circle of people holding me and begged for help. Jamie reminded me I was powerful,  I was helping myself and meeting this new life was what I had prepared so long and hard for. 

It wasn't until Mike said he could see the baby and his full head of hair that I found the motivation I needed to truly let go and push myself beyond all limits, I was ready to meet my son. The midwife yelled for me to grab him and so I reached down and felt his arms and pulled him to my chest. 

The pride and elation I felt in that moment cannot be described. It was perfect and wonderful all 10 hours of it. My proudest accomplishment - the birth of a new little man and a new me.

This is Ezra's birth story; mine and Mike's too. For me its like I got to be born again- facing down lifelong fears and finding my strength and power- my connection to the Creator and my new purpose. 

Birth is miraculous, fascinating, spiritual, historical and powerful and I already miss it. Each birth is a unique experience no matter where it happens or how and for me there couldn't have been a more perfect way (or a more perfect little boy). 

<3 

My recommendations: 

-Hypnobirthing 

-Birthing From Within 

-A doula